Telling My Whole Story for the First Time

The artist statement I was terrified to speak out loud

Earlier this month, I had a huge breakthrough in my creative journey: I invited close friends and family to my tiny studio for a private viewing of the paintings and poetry I’ve been creating- entirely in secret- for the past eight years. Here’s the artist statement I read out loud, voice shaking and tears flowing, as I told my whole story for the first time ♥️

ARTIST STATEMENT: A WOMAN WILD

Today is my 39th birthday.

The nine is significant because it’s the number of completion. And in a way, this show feels like the closing of the dramatic cycle of death and rebirth that has been my 30s.

Exactly nine years ago today, on the morning of my 30th birthday, the first thought that came to my mind was crystal clear and earth-shattering: “This is the year you get divorced.”

You see, I had spent the past decade in an abusive relationship with my ex husband. He was the big shot artist and I was always in the supporting role, fanning his flames while mine died quietly in the background. I had started out my 20s with confidence and excitement and big aspirations to start a career as an artist.

Paralyzed by fear and listening to the slow drip of verbal abuse from my ex, I didn’t believe in myself enough to go for it. So I took the role of supporter, working at an art gallery, writing for an art magazine, throwing events to showcase my artist community, and doing anything but MAKING MY OWN ART.

I sat myself adjacent to the warm fires of my creative community, but I didn’t believe I was worthy to burn hot among them.

By the time I reached my 30th birthday, my abusive marriage had completely decimated my self concept. I saw myself as unlovable, unwanted, unworthy, and unattractive. My self-esteem was in the shitter. I had no voice and I kept myself as small as possible so no one would notice how damaged I was. My inner artist had been strangled to death by fear and self judgment. It was a slow death.

So, the epiphany on the morning of my 30th birthday was a blessing in disguise. Within a year and a half, I left my home in San Francisco, left my Bay Area community, left my first career, and left my ex husband.

And so began the journey of A WOMAN WILD.

The greatest gift of divorce was that I started painting again.

I started writing poetry, even though I never knew I was a poet. In my moments of deepest despair, art was the only thing that helped me make sense of my experience. It was how I made sense of the melting of my old identity and forging of a new one.

In fact, the art making WAS the forging of my new self.

Through the art of self portraiture, I began to see myself anew. First, I saw myself through the lens of my sister’s camera as we started taking portraits of each other naked in nature. The images that looked back at me revealed a woman I had never met before. Fierce, confident, powerful, sensual, beautiful, and loving. I started making paintings inspired by the portraits.

My intuition led me on brave journeys into the wilderness, where I took solo retreats to be with the land and paint my emotions. I journeyed with friends and family to mountains, redwoods, deserts, jungles, and oceans that healed my soul and inspired my inner artist to come out and play.

My 30s were filled with intense highs and lows.

I fell in love more times than I can count. I broke off an engagement and got dumped on my birthday 2 years ago. I witnessed a horrific accident that left me with severe PTSD, and was trapped in solitary confinement in an SF studio apartment during the covid lockdowns. I had a bad case of COVID that left me with debilitating chronic pain that I thought would never end.

In my 30s I also found my life purpose, did the most fulfilling work of my life, had the best sex of my life, traveled extensively throughout Mexico, the Philippines and Indonesia, explored the deep wilderness of California, Arizona and Utah, became a certified coach, graduated from a yearlong leadership program, led my first women’s retreat in Joshua tree, taught a leadership program at IBM, started Hope Circles and the Hearts on Fire Leadership Circle with hundreds of participants, hosted dozens of transformational women’s events, started pole dancing, healed my mind and body, and made a shit ton of art.

My 30s have been a fire walk to say the least.

I emerge from the flames free of the past shame, self judgment, and self hatred that once distorted my reality. I emerge from the flames with a more clear image of my true self, and growing courage to let that authentic me be witnessed in the world.

This art isn’t just the artifact of my healing journey, it IS the healing journey. This body of work created me as much I created it.

A Woman Wild is the story of my return to the innate wildness that’s always been in me: the raw feral nature that healed my heart after so many hardships. This show is the story of my initiation into womanhood, burning away the layers of anything that wasn’t really me so the gold that was always there - the fullness of my authentic passion and expression - could come forth.

This body of work is the journey of finding the love of my life, who has always been and will always be ME. A WOMAN WILD.